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She opened the door to the screened-in porch and started to enter, but stopped abruptly in the doorway.

“Oh, wow,” she muttered.

“Hey, girlie!” came a familiar voice. “Isn’t this unreal?”

Her friend, Michaela, was seated on an old couch placed askance at one end of the room. On the windowsill behind it, music was emitting from an old cassette player. The room was otherwise empty.

As she gazed past the porch into the living room, she could see that it too was empty. The stark, freshly-painted white walls contrasted with the rich dark floorboards.

“This is unbelievable. It’s like being in a totally different house!” she told Michaela.

“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Not one.” He sighed deeply, completely exasperated and exhausted.

“Yes, I have. I understand what you’re saying. I do,” she responded. “I told you — I agree with you. We’ve gotten into a rut. A lot of couples go through this after they have kids. We just need to work harder at being a couple — the way we used to be.”

She ran her fingers through his hair as she spoke. He did not reciprocate, sitting perfectly still, his expression a mixed of astonishment and bewilderment.

“We just need to try harder to carve out time for ourselves,” she continued as she tried to wrap her leg around his under the small square table at which they were seated in the window of the Barnes and Noble store.

“Why do you think I asked you to meet me here?” he asked quietly.

“So that we could get out of the house by ourselves for a while, of course,” she replied. “I think it was a great idea, too,” she gushed as she sipped her latte. “It’s nice to be here without the kids for a little while, sitting on the grown-up chairs and not having to read to someone else. We’re not in a hurry, right? You got Andrea to babysit for the whole evening, didn’t you? Because I would really like to pick up the new selection for Oprah’s book club. Margie says she has already read it and it’s wonderful. And then I was hoping we could have dinner and maybe later . . . ” her voice trailed off as she reached for his hand, but he pulled away, pretending to search for something in the pocket of his jacket.

They all knew. But none of them would speak of it. It was business as usual. On the surface. By all outward appearances. Perhaps they all thought that if they ignored the elephant in the room, it would eventually turn and go back out the door from whence it came.
Life does not work that way, of course.

His wife baked and cleaned, preparing the home they had shared for one than thirty years in just the same way she had every year. She conferred with him about the toys they would give to their beloved grandchildren. Whether they would prepare and serve the food they had traditionally enjoyed when their children were young and, in recent years, when they returned with their spouses and children to celebrate the various holidays and other milestones.

She stayed busy, puttering in the kitchen, addressing and mailing Christmas cards, preparing baskets of freshly baked treats to share with the neighbors, all of whom had lived in their homes at least as long, if not longer, as they had resided on that quiet street.

During those last weeks, he occasionally helped her with the preparations. And they enjoyed a few outings to the local stores to purchase gifts. However, each such individual trip was brief. Although he never complained, after more than fifty years of marriage, she could tell when he was getting tired. So she would feign displeasure with the store’s selection of merchandise, saying “Oh, this isn’t the kind I want. Let’s go home and we’ll look at the other store tomorrow to see if they have what we want.” Or she would claim that she was feeling tired and suggest that they pay for the items they had selected thus far, offering, “We can come back later in the week. I just didn’t sleep well last night and I’m very tired today. Is that all right with you?” Since he was a gentleman, accustomed to assuring that his wife was comfortable and cared for, he, of course, acceded to her wishes.

Thanksgiving Dinner TableEverything had to be perfect. The house had to be spotless, with no clutter. “Everything in its place and a place for everything,” her mother told her countless times as she was growing up.

The dinner had to be cooked just as her mother herself had cooked the same meal so many times: The stuffing a perfect blend of spices and, like the turkey, neither too dry nor too moist. The occasion called for the traditional dishes, including candied yams, mashed potatoes and gravy, and the special baked corn dish that her mother prepared every year without fail. The family recipe, detailed on a stained and crinkled index card, was there in the recipe box. She immediately recognized her mother’s handwriting, although she was struck by how strong and sure the letters looked. For several moments, she held the card, stroking the ink marks left upon it so many years ago. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and realized she had better get busy if she were going to have everything ready on time.

The hours seemed to fly by as she carefully prepared each dish. When she finally had everything in the oven or simmering on the stove, she sat down to rest for a few moments and found herself staring at the glass-fronted cabinet. Behind those panes of clear glass, her mother’s China, glassware, and serving dishes neatly lined the shelves in precisely the spots where her mother had replaced them after the last time she herself had prepared a meal in this very kitchen in this very house.

Roller Coaster TracksI awoke with a start. I was disoriented, confused . . . it took me a moment to realize where I was. In fact, I was right at home in my own warm, comfortable bed.

So why had I awakened so forcefully and with such a jolt?

I got up and stumbled about the house for a few moments, wandering aimlessly from room to room in my still-sleepy stupor. I held a glass under the water dispenser on the front of the refrigerator, letting the icy cold splash over my fingers and drag me further from my hazy state. Then, as the chilled water trickled down my throat and I felt every molecule coursing toward my empty stomach, the pain in my chest allowed the details to slowly begin permeating my consciousness.

I slumped down on one of the couches in the family room, joined by all of my beloved four-footed children who expressed their love and concern for me with their purring, licking, nuzzling, and snuggling.

And as I sat there rubbing their ears and bellies, I remembered fully the details of the dream that had disturbed my peaceful slumbering.

I was on a roller coaster with my beloved. We were laughing, talking, our hair was flying. We were in the front row of the car, speeding along the tracks. I can’t remember whether there were any other people on the ride with us, but I do recall that the air was warm and the sky was a perfectly beautiful blue with a few light clouds. I remember thinking about the sky as the car was climbing up, up, up the track, slowly chugging toward the top.

Pen and heartI carry him with me everywhere, every day.

He has been with me all these years . . . ever-present, never present.

In my thoughts. In my dreams. In my daydreams. In my hopes, my goals, my triumphs, my failures, my achievements, my near-misses.

In my eyes, in the air that I breathe.

I carry his name on the tip of my tongue, but never dare speak it.

I carry him, the essence of him, the belief in him, the memories of him, the thoughts of him, the smell of him, the longing for him . . . I carry the burden of having let him go, having lost him.

I carry the hope of bumping into him unexpectedly, practicing what I will say, how I will smile. I carry myself with anticipation, walking nonchalantly yet resolutely and confidently . . . just in case.

I carry a heart full to overflowing with love . . . of him, for him, concealed for him, waiting for him . . .

Inspired by the Sunday Scribblings prompt: “I carry”